Holding back the tears.

When life gets hard how do you deal with the pain? Do you hide all your feelings and keep to yourself? I personally have never been the best at expressing how I feel, and lately it has gotten even harder to talk to people about my pain. I have had a very long absence from writing and for that I am sorry.

Like Father, Like Son

On the evening May 19th when my husband was involved in an ATV accident our world was turned upside down and that all came crashing down when he later passed away at hospice on June 16th. It was the day before Father’s Day and the last day that we would ever see him in person.

Since his death everything feels like a blur, and everyday feels like the last. Its like we are stuck in this loss and will never get out. I know that we need to keep living life and go on, but I can’t seem to find the way. Everyone keeps asking if we need anything, and I just want to scream. What we need right now is impossible and no one can give it to us. By that I obviously mean we need him. We need our daddy back, but that can never happen.

Our children are so young, we finally got our boy, and now they all have to grow up with out him. I know that it will never get easier, and it will never stop hurting; but I hope that one day we can find the way. I need us to find a way to get on with our lives and hold on to his memory while still leading happy lives. Let it be possible to still give them a good life with out him.

I keep reminding myself that we were lucky that he was our daddy. He loved us more than everything and he reminded us daily. When people pass away there are often so much that gets left unsaid, but thats not the case for us. We had an amazing relationship and everyday he reminded us how much he loved us. He would text me or call me every time he got a chance, and then when he was home we spent all the time we could together. He really was the one.

I found a love that people look a lifetime for, and for that I am grateful. I promised him forever and even thought it was cut short I stayed with him until he was gone. I will always love him unconditionally and I do believe that in some way shape or form he is still here. I still talk to him when I feel sad, and I still say good night to him when I go to bed at night. He may be gone but he will never be forgotten. He may not be here in person anymore but we will never let go of the memories.

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We love our daddy, and hope that he is in a better place like they say. I hope that he is with loved ones he has lost over the years, and I especially hope that we really will see him again someday. This post is my transition into a whole new world of parenting. I have shared so much before about how we did it and why our kids are amazing, but now life has changed. I will be a single parent per say and things are about to change a lot, but I will share the journey along the way.

4 thoughts on “Holding back the tears.”

  1. Oh, Mama. My heart goes out to you and your kiddos. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of loosing your significant other and the pain of your children loosing their dad. All I can say is that I will pray so hard for you and the kids. Oh, Mama. I love you for your strength, because wether you believe it or not, YOU ARE STRONG. You are a superwoman and you will get your children through this. Im sending so much love your way, not enough, I know, but oh so much.

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  2. Oh, how I wish I could just hug you! I am so so sorry for your loss and I cannot imagine losing someone so special. I just want to say that you are so so strong: strong for sharing this with us, and strong for choosing each day to continue on. I will be praying for you and your precious children. Hugs to you!

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